


The Sound Of Your Heart

by iwannalovebucky



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Brainwashing, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, H.Y.D.R.A. - Freeform, M/M, Memory Loss, Mentions of Sex, Mentions of Sexting - Freeform, marvel AU, mentions of phone sex, stucky fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 11:48:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14378019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwannalovebucky/pseuds/iwannalovebucky
Summary: The Soldier kept it a secret. It felt like the only thing he possesed, he had possesed since they found him, even though he wasn´t sure if he existed before they found him. Until he met him. He knew that this guy – this man – was a relict of his former life, a life where he knew people, loved people, hated people, got into trouble, was a real person, not just a weapon, once.He was so desperate to remember, to not just feel that he had a memory of him, somewhere hidden deep inside him. He wanted to find these memories again, wanted to actually know him, before they discovered.





	The Sound Of Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU that takes place after Bucky first met Steve in CA:TWS. It´s based on the song ``The Sound´´ by The 1975.

_Well I know when you're around 'cause I know the sound_

_I know the sound, of your heart_

The Winter Soldier couldn´t settle down. Something was off. This mission was supposed to be like every other, he didn´t even put up a fight this time. He was just tired. Wanted to get this done as soon as possible.

But then there was him. The Soldier didn´t know who he was or where he came from, he only knew that he was his mission and that he knew him. He knew him. He had seen this guy before. He had heard this heartbeat before.

 

_I can't believe I forgot your name_

He kept it a secret. It felt like the only thing he possesed, he had possesed since they found him, even though he wasn´t sure if he had existed before the found him. Until he met him. He knew that this guy – this man – was a relict of his former life, a life where he knew people, loved people, hated people, got into trouble, was a real person, not just a weapon, once.

He was so desperate to remember, to not just feel that he had a memory of him, somewhere hidden deep inside him. He wanted to find these memories again, wanted to actually know him, before they discovered.

 

_Oh baby won't you come again?_

 

He was almost happy when he was sent to him, to his mission again – as close as he could possibly get to being happy. It was wicked feeling, he knew that. He was supposed to kill this man yet he was the only string he had to his former life, if there had ever been such a thing.

But he knew that this was the only way to get close to him. He had dreamed about him. He hadalready forgotten that dreams were a thing that he was capable of experiencing.

In the dream the man was coming for him, rescuing him or maybe not, at this point the Soldier didn´t even care anymore. In his dream, the man had found him, touched him, talked to him. He was not a weapon, he was.. some part of a relationship. He wasn´t sure who he was, who he used to be, what his purpose used to be, because there had to be one, right? He could not have existed without a purpose, a mission. 

He wasn´t sure what would happen if his dream would become reality. But he didn´t care either. He had felt something when the man was close to him, even if it was only in his dream.

To be close to him for real, to remind him of the past he once had, the love he once held, that was everything he could think of, the only thing he wanted. 

He didn´t want to have this mission anymore but at the same time, he couldn´t give it up, not that they´d let him. But he knew that it would end in him killing the man, and how was he supposed to cut off the last string to his past, to something that was so much bigger than himself? If he would tell them that he couldn´t do it, if they would find out, in some way, he would not be able to continue this. He wouldn´t be able to see the man anymore, ever again. He didn´t know what exactly would happen, though. He couldn´t remember. May he had, after all, met the man before and he just forgot.

He didn´t want to forget. Not again. Not him.

He didn´t want to loose again. He wanted him to come for him – in every way possible.

 

_She said "I've got a problem with your shoes and your tunes_

_But I might move in" and_

_"I thought that you were straight, now I'm wondering"_

_You're so conceited, I_

_Said "I love you"_

 

There was a death. They used to be sad. They moved together. He does not remember who ``they´´ were, he only remembers kisses, a shared bed and hushed confessions under a duvet. Then there was an order. There was heartbreak. There was a fall.

Then he woke up.

 

_What does it matter if I lie to you?_

_I don't regret it but I'm glad that we're through_

 

He had talked to the man. It was risky, it was a mistake, it was forbidden. Someone could find out. They could make him forget again, they could take him away from him, give the mission – the man – to someone else.

But the man had said his name or what his name once was. He didn´t have a name anymore. He was just the Soldier. But when the man said it, so confused, so defenseless, like a kicked puppy, the Soldier – ``Bucky´´ - had felt like more, like a person who had a past and a future. Since the name that once was his left the mouth of the man the Soldier could not stop thnking about it, cherishing it like it would make him real, a person. That´s how he made him feel.

He had then snuck into the man´s hotel room. He took a seat in the armchair that was close to the bed. The man laid in the bed, under a duvet similar to the one the Soldier had seen in his dream, the one that used to keep his love protected. And maybe it did even now. Maybe he did love the man, he wasn´t sure what that would feel like. He only knew that he wanted to be close to him.

He memorised every curve oft he man´s body that could be seen under the blanket. He got up, knowing it was risky, and touched him. Just like that. He reached out and suddenly the metal of his hand was touching the man´s arm. He could not remember when he had touched or was touched for the last time, except for the torture, training or missions.

But he ddin´t have enough time to wonder about it either. The man woke up and there was his name again, whispered into the dark of the hotel room and the fogg in the Soldier´s head. He felt like crying. Maybe he did. He wasn´t sure. He only knew that somehow there was a hand on his arm now and that he, for some reason, unable to stop himself, had said: ``I remember you.´´

He wasn´t sure whether it was true. But he felt vulnerable, unprotected. He knew that he didn´t have much time. He left. Tore his arm out of the soft, but firm grip grip the man had on him, like was going to lose him and ran through the streets, away from the man that held his past.

 

_So don't you tell me that you 'just don't get it'_

_'Cause I know you do_

 

The man had spoken to him. He sounded wrecked, broken, helpless, frantic. He had asked him questions he could not answer. Not because he didn´t know the answer, he just was not able to put them into words, he was not able to rmember all of them. He knew that they hid the answers, that he had them, he just couldn´t find them.

The man knew that too. He asked him, searched for answers in his eyes that he knew had to be there. But the only thing the Soldier – Bucky – could say was:``I remember you.´´

``You know better than that, Buck,´´was the man´s answer. And maybe he was right.

 

_It's not about reciprocation it's just all about me_

_A sycophantic, prophetic, Socratic junkie wannabe_

 

The man had grabbed his hand softly, like it didn´t kill a bunch of people for reasons he didn´t know or couldn´t remember (did it matter though?). He had led him to a place he didn´t know, full of people that didn´t like him. But Bucky didn´t care. The man was there, and that was all that mattered.

The man´s name was Steve, he was told. He tried to make him remember anything beside the people that created him – or the Soldier. It was hard to distinguish now.

And he did try to remember him – the man, Steve. But he couldn´t, not properly. He could only remember the things he did to him or let him do. And he felt bad but the man – Steve – didn´t. He was happy. He was so happy to have him remember anything at all. He had cried. He tried to do it outside the room he was sat in. Steve left, said he had to use the bathroom with bloodshot eyes yet the biggest smile was written all over his face. He didn´t want Bucky to know that he could cry, not just yet, not before he remembered him crying in his arms, in their bed for hours. He went outside. Bucky still heard him. And he criedtoo. He could feel it this time.

 

_There's so much skin to see_

_A simple Epicurean Philosophy_

_And you say I'm such a cliche_

_I can't see the difference in it either way_

_And we left things to protect my mental health_

 

They let him stay close to Steve. They had an eye on him, always, but it was okay. It was to keep him safe, to help him. Steve said that, so it had to be true. Whatever Steve said was Bucky´s truth now. He knew that it was not good but it felt like it was. It felt right. Better than anything he had ever felt, if anything, after he was created.

They let him sleep in one room as him, sometimes. When he had a particulary good week. Only with guards in the rooms down the hall, but still. It felt like freedom to Bucky.

He relived a lot of memories. A suddenly big guy hovering over him, holdng him down with his new strength. Kissing him sweetly. Holding him afterwards. Telling him how good he had been. How loved he was. There were new confessions under a new duvet, it bothered neither of them.

 

_But you call me when you're bored and you're playing with yourself_

 

He also made new memories. It was his favourite thing to do. It made him feel like he was in control of his future past. Like nobody could ever take that away from him. Not as long as Steve would be there. And he had said that he would never leave him alone again.

 

_Well I know when you're around 'cause I know the sound_

_I know the sound, of your heart_

 

It was still hard to remember the past that he once had. He wants to hold onto this one forever. He tried to remember. He tried and tried and tried until one day, like every other, Steve kissed him and suddenly Bucky was a lovedrunk teenager in Brooklyn all over again.


End file.
